Do you know you can change the world? Most parents don’t realize the power we have. We are more focused on the frustrations of conflicting advice, all the trial and errors involved before you get it right.

 

 I find it interesting bringing a baby home,  hiring a “baby trainer” isn’t the norm, but its pretty standard to hire a “dog trainer” when we get a new puppy.  We use experts, trainers, counselors, and services for our health and nutrition, pets, education, household chores, etc. When it comes to raising the next generation, we think our instincts will naturally guide us. If we want to raise a generation of change, our presence is critical.

 

Being a parent can feel like a sea-saw. You’re never really in the middle; it seems to come with extreme highs and lows. One day you’re cleaning sharpie off the wall, chasing a naked toddler covered in flour, wondering why you decided to have kids in the first place. But, as soon as they fall asleep, you can’t imagine life without them. As parents, our days are tough. However, being a parent is the MOST IMPORTANT job in the entire world because we can change the world. Some may disagree and say the people who protect our country have the most critical job. I don’t disagree, but they are in place to react to the problems at hand.

 

Collectively, as parents, we are raising the next generation. What if you could read a book that explained how to raise happy, resilient, kind, hard-working, and self-sufficient kids? It would likely solve most of the world’s issues and change the world to be a better place. 

 

I read the quote, “Life doesn’t come with a manual, it comes with a mother” Being honest, it scared me. Why? Because I will forever feel like I’m failing as a mom. Raising four boys on my own, as you can imagine, is constant chaos with a todo list that gets longer and most likely will never end. Trying to explain to a five-year-old where babies come from is the last thing I want to do. Yet, I know every time I respond to my kids with a nod sends the message, they don’t matter.

 

You can find 100 recipes for lasagna the same way you can find 100 ways to feed a baby. Seeing ten different Pediatricians could get you ten different answers. It doesn’t mean that nine out of the ten answers are wrong; it just means every pediatrician has their style of parenting, views, and beliefs. Working for three highly sought after pediatricians, I learned they’re dealing with the same issues most parents are going through. Like the cliche quote, “easier said than done,” some things work, others don’t, and every child is different. After my divorce, I quickly learned I was investing in all the wrong areas. Through my ex, I found there’s one thing that matters, and it’s our presence.  The good news, it works, and there’s one way to do it.

 

To put it in perspective, I first have to give a little background to “my story.”

 

During my marriage of close to 10 years, I worked part-time as a pediatric nurse but mostly considered myself a stay at home mom. I did everything to keep the house running and kids entertained. My ex worked, paid the bills, and whenever he had time, he would take the boys on bike rides, skateboard, nerf gun battles, etc. I’m a girly girl, and having four boys doesn’t change that part of me. It’s who I am. In this post, I talk about the importance of balancing feminine masculine energy. It takes effort for me to do the things they want to do.

 

Without getting into the crazy details, my ex had an addiction that led to many other things. Deciding to leave wasn’t easy, but I couldn’t lead my kids down a path to destruction. Leaving someone you love is hard. But because he lost everything, I had to figure out a new life for my four boys and me, alone. I had to find a new job, house, and school to enroll kids in. Packing, moving, unpacking, keeping up with their many sports, and all the equipment and fees that go into it. It was a lot and still is. Since my divorce, I’ve taken care of everything that goes into raising four kids.

 

Unfortunately, the involvement my ex has with the kids is on the weekends he’s free. He doesn’t ask about school, rarely takes them to sports, and hasn’t once paid for a pair of cleats, clothes, or a sports registration fee. I’m don’t say this to bash him, but to put something into perspective.

 

When they see their dad, it’s like I don’t exist. They go running and most of the time without a goodbye. Naturally, it makes me feel like all that I do goes unseen, but it does go unseen in actuality. To kids, it doesn’t matter what we’re doing. What matters is our presence and quality time spent together. It seems so simple, but when you are the one being both mom and dad, it’s not easy.

 

My ex gives our kids one thing, but its the one thing that matters. His presence

 

At first, this wasn’t an easy thing to swallow. It hurt, and I struggled to “bite my tongue.” I wanted to tell my kids why their dad could be the “fun” parent. He lives with his parents and doesn’t have a rent or a mortgage payment, and doesn’t have to stress over managing school and sports for four boys. But, I realized this was my way of justifying why I can’t be that for my kids. I can do whatever I want, but I chose to focus my attention on providing vs. being.

 

My top priority has always been my children. I wanted to give them the life they had, so I worked every day to provide something I felt was necessary. What I didn’t realize I was neglecting the single most crucial piece to the puzzle: my time and presence.

 

 

We will always have to find ways to provide and do the tedious tasks that keep a household running, especially with boys. I spend half my days unclogging toilets, fixing broken items, and cleaning who knows what, from various surfaces. But, finding time to give our kids our full undivided attention every day is just as important. Some of the benefits show immediately, but the most important will show in the future. Why? Let me explain

Our presence sets the foundation for our kids future, and ultimately, change the world

When we give our kids our time through our presence and undivided attention,  it shows them that they matter. Knowing that you matter makes you feel worthy of love. I know I’m going way back with this one, but think of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. To feel safe, you have to have your basic needs met first. Self-esteem comes after you develop a sense of love and belonging. It’s the foundation for learning how to trust, accept, and receive love. When our kids our young, this need is met through family. It’s the foundation for their self-esteem, and ultimately everyone’s future.

 

I recently watched the documentary Minimalism on Netflix. The goal of the documentary is to bring light to the benefits of living with less. But what got it full circle for me was the discussion surrounding the consumer industry. They discuss the cause and effect of the rise in the consumer industry. To keep it short, the reason what’s driving it and how it’s affecting our planet. The cause; consumers are purchasing things in excess. What causes people to buy in excess comes from attempting to chase a feeling, such as happiness through material gains—the effect; environmental impact. Let’s go deeper into what’s causing this; could it be our subconscious minds?

 

Our presence tells them they matter 

 

Our subconscious mind starts to form during childhood. Things like our different life experiences and whatever we hear, see, feel, become stored deep within our minds. As adults, our subconscious mind has power over how we view and experience life, but we are unaware it drives our behavior. It store things like learning how to distract ourselves to avoid a feeling and procrastinate to keep us from our self-limiting beliefs. We think we have to chase success, to prove someone right or wrong. It makes us believe we have to keep up with the “Jones’s” and fit in; it reminds us to have the same standards of those around us. If we are unaware of why we do what we do, what changes? As they say in Minimalism,

 

“There may be a template for how to keep up with the Jones’s, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only template.”

 

To add to that quote, we can create our own template. Of course, we can change the way we think and get to the bottom of our self-limiting beliefs. I talk about it in this post, but I would need to write an entire book to dive into what self-transformation looks like entirely.

 

So what, now what? Invest in the future through your presence.

 

Raising kids through your presence is the best present you can give your children, and ultimately could change the world. The cliche quote, “Its the gift that keeps on giving,” is sooooo beyond true. Our presence is what builds their self-esteem, confidence, and communication skills. It’s the one gift that will help secure a happier future, and collectively, have the most significant impact on our future. Their childhood memories make up our subconscious minds. When we give kids our presence, they store thoughts such as, “I matter, I’m loved, and worthy of someone’s time and attention.” When kids grow up knowing they matter and are worthy of love, they become adults who understand self-love importance.

 

Our presence is a gift for our kids, but it will make a big difference in our own lives. Notice how you feel when you’re fully present in the moment vs. how you feel doing ten things at one time. When I play with my kids, their behavior changes drastically for the rest of the day. It’s legit magic, and of course, makes my life easier. It’s a win-win.

 

It’s easy to become caught up in the chase of life, but what are we chasing? We start neglecting the things that matter, and we lose sight of our day to day lives. I watched the documentary on Steve Madden (If you can’t tell, I’m on a documentary kick), which showcased his ambition and success. All I can say is WOW. What he did is inspiring for any entrepreneur. Watching this documentary, I could feel his drive and energy. But towards the end, I could feel his pain. He mentions the struggle that comes with ambition and winning at all costs. He knew his success came with loss.

 

The most powerful part was he said, ‘I still feel like I’m a fraud. I’m always afraid of that moment when someone says you’re shit, and I realize that I’ve failed.’ This article has an interesting interview done with the director of the film, Ben Patterson.  Here’s his comment to that specific quote,

 

“I think I realized at that moment that everybody if they are honest with themselves, has that sense sometimes. And I think that a man who has built a billion-dollar shoe company, and is on top of the world in his business and doing so much, I was just surprised to hear that from him but grateful that he opened up in that way. For me, that was what’s fascinating about his story and about a tycoon from a psychological level. What is that drive? I asked him one time about his hero who worked at the first shoe store he worked at. I said ‘if he’s so great, why wasn’t he Steve Madden?’  He said, ‘I don’t know, maybe he’s not as insecure as I am’ and I get that.

 

There it is—the answer to so many things. We can look at success in so many different ways. The way I define success could be very different than how you define success. Life is a balance beam. Once you get it balanced equally on both sides, it levels out. If you and I can’t slow down to enjoy our life, one side will plummet while the other is on top.

In parenting, our balance beam is in constant motion. One side always outweighs the other, but we get to decide where to apply the weight, which is our time and energy. It’s hard at first, but I promise that you will see and feel the difference once you do it. I find the most challenging part is simply being in the moment without any distractions for my mind. While kids are distractions that keep our mind occupied, it’s a different form of distraction. Most things that keep us from having time to be fully present are the things that keep us distracted from our thoughts.

 

Besides meditation, being fully present and the moment with our children is the best way to connect with ourselves and our kids. Kids associate love with our time. The only way to give them our time, is through our presence. 

 

How to make time and be present for your kids:

 

1. Schedule time in your calendar. Start slow, even if it’s 15 minutes. 
2. Tell your kids the plan. Communication is so important, especially with our kids. If we do nothing else, communicate. If your goal is to spend time with them in the afternoon, let them know that morning. If they know they will get your full attention, you may find they don’t need as much before that time. If your plan is for the morning, tell them the night before. It gets them excited, and they have something to look forward to, plus they start the day with the expectation that after a particular time, I need to let my mom or dad focus. 
3. Decide what you want to do. Let your kids pick what they want to play or do, and other times you choose. It will help them understand we can’t ALWAYS do what they want to do and be ok with not being in control.
4. Put every electronic away and turn off the TV. I’m a big music person, and I feel like that helps get me in whatever moment I want to be in, so I’m all for music in the background.
5. The hardest part, but the easiest-Just be wherever you are. Try shut out your thoughts of the many todos, work, marriage, and life in general. Absorb your kid’s energy, zest for life, innocence, and the love they have for you. It honestly makes me tear up as I write this. Kids are magical. One of the things that drive me crazy but is also my most powerful lesson to learn is their ability to live in the moment. They don’t care about where or what they have to do. If they see a sparking rock in the yard, they will jump through mud puddles to get it. They legit stop and smell the roses. They say when something triggers you, it is where you need the most important lesson.
6. I understand this one may be hard with schedules, etc., but if you have multiple kids scheduling a “date” with each kid is the highlight of their day, week, or month. In a perfect world, I would schedule a date with each kid once a week. But, when you have four, that gets tricky. Now I do once a month, and of course, there are months where one or none gets scheduled. I like to make it unique for that particular kid and always plan something I feel goes along with their “love language.” I will do another post on this specific subject, but it’s fascinating how different all four of my boys are when it comes to how they feel loved. Just as an example, my oldest is quality time, so anything he is doing with me is perfect for him. My nine-year-olds love language is receiving gifts. We will go by a toy store or 7-11 for either a Slurpee or candy for his date. 
7. The last thing and most important, communicate as much as you can during these times. Ask them as many questions as you can. Some kids may seem like you are pulling teeth, which means they most likely need it the most. Communication is a big part of life, and all the technology, social media, and communication apps aren’t helping. 

The last thing I want to say is we are all humans living in the same world with different circumstances. I don’t ever want to make anyone feel guilty, inadequate, or stressed in any way whatsoever. I value authenticity and honestly over all else, and I don’t want to portray myself like I’m the best mom ever.

 

There have been weeks, months, and maybe a whole year where I couldn’t provide my kids with my full presence. Sometimes it’s because I have a list of todos that are longer than a football field, and other times I couldn’t because mentally I shut down (cough, cough COVID pandemic). Selfishly speaking, writing this article makes me wonder why I didn’t take my advice during those times because it would have helped me. I say selfishly speaking, but in reality, it’s not selfish. If I’m happy, my kids are happy.

 

If you are going through anything that keeps you from doing things you feel are essential and or feel like your failing in a particular area of life, communicate. If I feel emotionally distant, I make sure to communicate the reasons and always apologize. I tell them that I want to work on it, and I will, but it will take time. Just doing this is a big lesson in life. When they become adults, they understand that sometimes life can be crazy, but things get better if you acknowledge that and work through it.

 

There are some days, and even some months, I’m apologizing more than anything else. But it still tells them all of the critical things I’m trying to communicate. When I say I’m sorry, followed by whatever it is, it’s telling them that they are loved, worthy of my attention, moms aren’t perfect, it’s ok to mess up, and how to communicate these things themselves. As long as we can show that we are working on it, nothing else matters. Kids need to understand nobody is perfect, and as I like to say,

“We are all perfectly, imperfect.”

 

 

Everything we do has an impact on the future in one way or another. The way we react to certain things comes from our subconscious beliefs. Think about if every child becomes adults who are emotionally stable, empathetic, confident, and, most importantly, love themselves. They won’t feel the need to prove their success, buy their happiness, and understand when interacting with others doesn’t end well; it’s not about them but more about the other person. Suddenly, nobody is chasing after an undefined success, buying their happiness through material gains, and aren’t reacting to the world around them.

 

 

Imagine eliminating a world full of unhappiness, addiction, suicide, burnout, hate, crime, pollution , and ultimately the negative impacts on our environment. As parents, we have the power to change the world and as scary as that sounds, it’s pretty cool to knowing how much our kids value our presence. Raising kids is complicated, but what they need is simple. 

 

XOXO,

 

HAUTEmess mom of four