Building healthy habits for kids that will last a lifetime
Do your kids eat all over the house, leaving a trail of crumbs similar to Hansel and Gretel? The thing is, if you asked my kids to name the rules, they would all say, eat at the table. There are many other house rules, but they seem to be the only ones they remember to forget. I believe healthy habits are established when everyday routines become automatic. The question became, how can we build healthy habits for kids through routine?
As a mom of four boys, I spend most of my day either repeating myself or “respectfully,” trying to understand most of why they do what they do. I’ve tried to teach them simple things, like not throwing soaking wet items in the laundry basket unless you’re working on a science experiment. I have an entire routine chart dedicated to their laundry baskets. Yet, doing laundry still consists of me peeling apart every pair of pants and underwear, and collecting a mini flower bed of mulch from all the scrunched up socks.
I recently wrote this post about our after-school routine, but without fail, all four come running through the door, straight to the kitchen while dropping jackets, backpacks, and shoes like mini bombs and not caring where they land. Without me there, sounding like a drill Sargent, they would have zero plans to pick them up.
I have spent a lot of time and energy, trying to establish household rules and routines. In my mind, I had done everything possible to develop these healthy habits for kids. There are routine reminders in every room of the house, including the bathroom. I’ve bought every type of toothbrush and toothbrush timer for their dental hygiene habit and every kind of basket, cabinet, and drawer system for their after school routine.
Even after years of reminders and systems in place, nothing changed. I was still the drill sergeant, repeating the same words over and over, wondering how I could get Alexa to takeover. In an attempt to modernize the “I’m tired of sounding like a broken record,” I now say, “I’m tired of sounding like a Tik Tok video left on repeat,” hoping they would understand. I was about to give up on my mission to develop any good habits for kids.
Let’s be honest. It’s so much easier to go behind our kids and do it ourselves. Typically, it takes me four attempts to call the correct name, followed by the typical, “let me finish this one challenge” response. Getting someone to pick up their backpack can turn into a full 10-15 minute process. Why would I spend that long on something I could have done myself in less than 30 seconds? Because…
In parenting, the right way is always the hard way
I’m sure we all had moments in childhood where we said we would NEVER be like our parents. For me, two things stick out in my mind. The first; turning off the lights. My Dad would come from the basement, and instead of turning off the lights (because wouldn’t that be the more practical and most effortless solution?), he would make me get up, walk all the way downstairs to turn off the lights. I stomped my way to the basement, turned off the lights, swearing I would never do that to my kids. Here I am today writing about this same topic as a parent and fully understanding why he did the things he did. He wanted me to learn a lesson to get in the habit of turning off the lights.
The second one; Saying Yes Sir/No Sir. I was the kid who responded yes five times, gauging my Dad’s tone before saying Yes, sir. Again, I swore I would never make my kids use the words. After being around my girlfriend’s teenage boys, who always responded with “Mam,” was the moment I realized this was something I wanted to instill in my boys. Developing habits of respect, manners, and character became high on my list of parenting goals. So, now that I understand EXACTLY why my Dad did the things he did and knowing the benefits that come with healthy habits, but nothing seems to work, especially when trying to develop these healthy habits for kids, so, what changes?
When it comes to building habits, even adults struggle which means to build healthy habits for kids, its going to be a bigger struggle. I think I’ve read every book there is about how to create a habit. Where I struggle is in my morning routine. I know the benefits of getting up every morning by 5 am, but I can’t seem to give up that extra hour of sleep. I’ve bought every type of alarm and read every life hack out there, with no success. But, I also wasn’t only trying to get up early. I wanted to get up early AND a list of 10 other things within an hour of being awake. If the thought of just waking up an hour earlier was a struggle, adding the ten other things to that habit became too much.
After reading Atomic Habits and One Small Step Can Change Your Life The Kaizen Way, I had an eye-opener which changed my perspective and the way I was going about trying to develop healthy habits for kids. I was trying to establish too many habits at one time. I became overwhelmed, which created negative self-talk and ultimately led me to giving up altogether. So how does this apply to instilling habits in our kids?
As adults, whether we have developed or still struggle to create healthy habits, we at least have years of experience and access to the knowledge to get us there. With kids, this isn’t the case. They are learning every new skill, habit, routine, and process at the same time. Thinking back, I can see why trying to instill every habit and routine at once came without success. It was too much for them to process and learn all at once. Something as simple as putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket takes multiple steps to create a healthy habit for kids:
- Make sure they make it into the basket and not on the floor next to the basket.
- Turning the clothes right side out before putting them into the laundry basket.
- Take everything out of your pockets
- Shake out the mulch, rocks, dirt, and anything else out of your socks
- Making sure nothing wet, including towels, don’t get thrown in there and end up on the bottom of the basket.
Are all of these necessary? No. Is it a big deal if they throw their dirty clothes in the basket with their underwear and pants stuck together inside out? No. Eventually, they have to come apart and turned right side out if they want to wear them. But, developing a routine and habit around the correct way teaches them the little things can make our lives easier. Life skills are like stepping stones, and if you skip multiple steps, it just makes it a little more challenging in the end. If the main goal is to develop good habits for kids and their future, we shouldn’t take shortcuts.
The only steps you need to develop healthy habits for kids
After many years and money spent on trial and error, I’m happy to say I think I’ve found what works. If anything changes or I find any other tips or tricks for developing kids’ habits, I will update this post. At this point, if this doesn’t work, the update could be, “I give up” 🙂
- Pick one habit or routine you want to create. Example 1. Putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Example 2. Manners
- Break down the habit or routine into steps and or priorities. Example 1. Turn clothes right side out, make sure they are dirty (trying something on does not mean it’s dirty), hang anything wet on the side or in the bathroom, and put clothes in the basket. Example 2. Saying please and thank you, Yes Mam/No Mam, table manners, etc
- Pick the first step to work on, write it down. Example 1. Turn clothes right side out Example 2. Using Yes Mam No mam
- 4. Create a marble jar. Get a jar for each kid, label each jar with their name and buy a lot of marbles (I purchased these from amazon), and put them in a place where kids can see but not reach, and somewhere that is easily accessible for you.
- Create reminders. It would help if you had something that will remind the kids and remind you. Example 1: Create fun posters to hang up near their laundry basket to remind the kids. For you; Create a bracelet that has a word to remind you. The key is being consistent and following through with the marble system. Example 2. Create a bracelet that says Yes/No Mam or write it on your arm. When it comes to manners, you need something that will be a constant reminder for you to instill in your kids. A bracelet is something you can wear 24/7 to be a continuous reminder. I found beads from Etsy and made something I will wear
- The marble jar: The marble jar is an incentive to get them to develop the habit; it makes it fun, turns it into a game, and if your kids are competitive, it can be a competition to see who fills the jar first. For my boys, whoever fills the jar first gets money, a toy, or a fun “date” with mom. *This is where we have to make sure we develop a good habit of following through with adding marbles. Manners are tricky. Every time they say Yes, Mam, No Mam, or Mam, they get a marble. It’s hard to remember with four kids, and there have been times where I make up the number of marbles each kid gets. All they care about is hearing marbles dropping in the jar, so as long as you are consistent with that part, they aren’t counting 😉 Pick a prize and explain whoever fills their jar first wins. If you have one child, tell them once they fill the jar, they get the prize
- Explain the process, pick a day to start, and remind remind remind. Follow through with marbles and when someone fills up their draw, give out the prize, empty the jars and repeat until they master the habit, and it becomes automatic. It may take months, but the key is where the practice becomes second nature.
- Once they mastered the first step, pick the next step. Example 1: Make sure clothes make it in the basket. Example 2: Please, and Thank you. Repeat the above steps.
Click images to be to be taken to the product; 1. Amazon 2. Amazon 3, Etsy for reminder bracelet beads
Raising my kids to be prepared for adulthood with manners, respect, and character takes high priority in my parenting style. Others may place more of an emphasis on education, and as I explained here, everyone has their own personal values to go by. You have to decide what is important to you through your values. It’s my personal opinion, educating our kids comes with help through the school system. Raising kids to have respect, manners, life skills, and habits falls solely on the parents. There are organizations, classrooms, and curriculum dedicated to these things, but it’s not their primary focus.
There’s so much that goes into building healthy habits for kids, and adults, which is why there is an entire industry dedicated to building habits. Most “self-help” books and books are written by highly successful entrepreneurs and centered around their habits, rituals, and routines. Once we become adults and have had time and experience in the real world, building new practices typically comes with unlearning all of the bad habits. Building certain habits in our kids will pay off as they transition into adulthood, having a solid foundation of “automatic” behaviors that are beneficial to their success.
As a kid, nobody warned me about life. I looked at every house and family as the picture-perfect white picket fence storyline. In my mind, once you become an adult, you just automatically, you automatically have your shit together. Fast forward 28 years and four kids later, and I’m wondering if I lived in a fantasy world. The thing is, no matter what’s going on at home, kids are kids. Their minds don’t process things like habits. They live in the moment and are willing to sacrifice a lot to play and be a kid. They don’t care if they leave their backpack somewhere, but they will when they can’t find their backpack running out the door for school. Having a routine to be organized and building the habit to stay organized is a life skill where everyone benefits.
What are some of the healthy habits for kids you want to work on? What has worked for you? Comment if someone else comments where you have insight on their particular habit.
Xoxo ♥
Sketched by a HAUTEmess Mom of Four
